when you have apologized over and over for something, but the other party refuses to forgive or dialogue with you?
My husband and I are facing difficulties with certain family members right now. We didn't necessarily do anything wrong, however they felt hurt. We exchanged many emails back and forth, and finally we realized nothing was being accomplished, so we offered up a sincere apology for any wrong or hurt that we may have caused. We asked for forgiveness and told them that we did not want anymore exchanges of hate or lies (many of the things they were arguing with us about were either their interpretation of events or flat out lies). We said we wished to reconcile and work towards repairing our relationship with them, but also said we would not accept anymore hateful emails. These individuals responded with more lies and no acknowlegement of our apologies or any desire to work towards repairing our relationship. The worst part is that they have spread their venom amongst other family members who have not heard our side of the story, nor do they know that we have apologized. It is very hurtful to us. Every time there is a disagreement between us they always bring up every little thing that we have done that they didn't like. It proves to me that they never have forgiven us in the past either.
What do we do? We have apologized and tried to make things right. We are continuing to send cards and such for birthdays, pictures, etc., but we don't really know if we should see them when they still bear such hostility. I have been up many a night wondering what my attitude should be and if there is more that I should be doing. Thus far it seems like we are doing all the work and they are refusing to accept our apologies unless we do exactly as they see fit.
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"What's past is prologue." - William Shakespeare
when you have apologized over and over for something, but the other party refuses to forgive or dialogue with you?
My husband and I are facing difficulties with certain family members right now. We didn't necessarily do anything wrong, however they felt hurt. We exchanged many emails back and forth, and finally we realized nothing was being accomplished, so we offered up a sincere apology for any wrong or hurt that we may have caused. We asked for forgiveness and told them that we did not want anymore exchanges of hate or lies (many of the things they were arguing with us about were either their interpretation of events or flat out lies). We said we wished to reconcile and work towards repairing our relationship with them, but also said we would not accept anymore hateful emails. These individuals responded with more lies and no acknowlegement of our apologies or any desire to work towards repairing our relationship. The worst part is that they have spread their venom amongst other family members who have not heard our side of the story, nor do they know that we have apologized. It is very hurtful to us. Every time there is a disagreement between us they always bring up every little thing that we have done that they didn't like. It proves to me that they never have forgiven us in the past either.
What do we do? We have apologized and tried to make things right. We are continuing to send cards and such for birthdays, pictures, etc., but we don't really know if we should see them when they still bear such hostility. I have been up many a night wondering what my attitude should be and if there is more that I should be doing. Thus far it seems like we are doing all the work and they are refusing to accept our apologies unless we do exactly as they see fit.
It's hard to make a judgement call on a message board with so little information but I'm going to just give you my first thoughts on this and hope that you will know it's not with a mean spirit.
It sounds to me like you gave a blanket apology. A general, "We're sorry for anything we've ever done." That is not a true apology. You've heard the saying, "It takes two to tango"? From what you say here it's sounds as though you really don't own any of the reponsibility. You say you apologized and yet you say you didn't do anything wrong, they lie, they felt hurt, they, them, theirs....see what I'm saying?
I get the impression that you aren't really listening to them. They have serious hurts and I'm guessing they aren't feeling very heard either. An apology is so much more than words. You have to own it and know why you are sorry, otherwise, it's just words. Remember, their interpretation of events are valid too.
If I were you and I were ready to accept my responsibility in the situation I would start by going back and re-reading their emails and making a note of all their accusations and spend some honest soul searching to see if there is any truth there. And then begin to apologize for specifics without making excuses because it sounds to me like their bigger issue isn't an apology but rather wanting to be heard and understood. But I'll give you warning, it could be painful. After that, it's all on their shoulders. After that, they own the burden of reconciling. You may never get to a place where you are close but you can at least be civil.
Having had issues with this myself, I'm going to pray for you because I know it can be so stressful.
__________________ Where you are at in your relationship with Christ is where He has brought you.
It is your journey, not a standard for others.---Bob Marley
'Butt Kicking Women' is not responsible for lost or stolen egos.
I suppose I should have been more detailed, but I didn't want to go into everything here. We did address every accusation in their emails/calls. We gave solid proof (more than just our word) to show that they were lying. For example, we changed our phone number and they claimed we never sent it to them. We have called them multiple times from our new number (they have caller ID) and my husband has the original message he sent to them just days after we changed our number. We know they got it because they replied to it.
I said we did not necessarily do anything wrong, and in most cases we didn't. It really all boils down to the fact that they expect us to come and visit them all the time, and we really don't have that luxury (although we have gone to visit them when we were able). We have explained this over and over in the past, and have opened our home to them, but they do not want to come here. They want everything on their terms. We did address their hurts individually in our final email. We apologized for each of our actions that led to their hurt and explained that we did not intend to hurt them. We accepted responsibility for each wrong that we did do, and offered several ways of reconciling and moving forward. There were many hurtful things that they said to us and blatant lies that they told, but we decided not to focus on what they have done, but instead accept responsibility for the fact that our actions (whether they were right or wrong) have hurt them. We acknowledged this multiple times. We offered to make things right by them and our offers of reconciliation were met with more accusations and lies. They ignored everything we said to try and make things right. We have tried to address their concerns and have offered up solutions to make things better in the future. We have tried to find ways to make sure this doesn't happen again, but they don't seem to want to work it out.
I hope that clarifies things somewhat. No, we did not just issue a blanket apology and hope for forgiveness. We addressed the reasons and accepted responsibility for the action and for the hurt. We even went the extra mile and apologized and tried to reconcile with others as well.
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"What's past is prologue." - William Shakespeare
Last edited by tamora7997; 10-27-2009 at 08:14 AM.
I suppose I should have been more detailed, but I didn't want to go into everything here. We did address every accusation in their emails/calls. We gave solid proof (more than just our word) to show that they were lying. For example, we changed our phone number and they claimed we never sent it to them. We have called them multiple times from our new number (they have caller ID) and my husband has the original message he sent to them just days after we changed our number. We know they got it because they replied to it.
I said we did not necessarily do anything wrong, and in most cases we didn't. It really all boils down to the fact that they expect us to come and visit them all the time, and we really don't have that luxury (although we have gone to visit them when we were able). We have explained this over and over in the past, and have opened our home to them, but they do not want to come here. They want everything on their terms. We did address their hurts individually in our final email. We apologized for each of our actions that led to their hurt and explained that we did not intend to hurt them. We accepted responsibility for each wrong that we did do, and offered several ways of reconciling and moving forward. There were many hurtful things that they said to us and blatant lies that they told, but we decided not to focus on what they have done, but instead accept responsibility for the fact that our actions (whether they were right or wrong) have hurt them. We acknowledged this multiple times. We offered to make things right by them and our offers of reconciliation were met with more accusations and lies. They ignored everything we said to try and make things right. We have tried to address their concerns and have offered up solutions to make things better in the future. We have tried to find ways to make sure this doesn't happen again, but they don't seem to want to work it out.
I hope that clarifies things somewhat. No, we did not just issue a blanket apology and hope for forgiveness. We addressed the reasons and accepted responsibility for the action and for the hurt. We even went the extra mile and apologized and tried to reconcile with others as well.
Then I can't personally see that there is anything else you can do. The burden is now on their shoulders. Just treat them with a spirit of grace and wait for them to come around. Lotsa luck on that.
__________________ Where you are at in your relationship with Christ is where He has brought you.
It is your journey, not a standard for others.---Bob Marley
'Butt Kicking Women' is not responsible for lost or stolen egos.
Keep praying and sending those cards and so forth. Either they will repent of their bitterness or not. There is not much you can do.
I always try to see things from the other persons perspective and to be as honest as I can be with myself to see if I have any culpability. If I am of a clear conscience, there is little else that can be done.
__________________ The speed of light is faster than the speed of sound, which is why often people look bright until they start talking.
All things presented in the above message are MHO. Thus, even though they probably are right, you have the right to respectfully disagree with me.
Keep praying and sending those cards and so forth. Either they will repent of their bitterness or not. There is not much you can do.
I always try to see things from the other persons perspective and to be as honest as I can be with myself to see if I have any culpability. If I am of a clear conscience, there is little else that can be done.
Yeah. We're trying to act normal and continue doing what we would have done had nothing happened. We don't bear any ill will towards them and we have apologized over and over again.
I am just one of those people who likes things to be fixed and I have gone over and over everything in my head wondering if there is anything else I can/should be doing to help make things right. I just don't know anymore. I honestly thought that after our apologies and attempts to make ammends that they would just let it go and work with us to make things right. I was in shock when they didn't.
__________________
"What's past is prologue." - William Shakespeare
I am just one of those people who likes things to be fixed and I have gone over and over everything in my head wondering if there is anything else I can/should be doing to help make things right. I just don't know anymore. I honestly thought that after our apologies and attempts to make ammends that they would just let it go and work with us to make things right. I was in shock when they didn't.
Girl, you are describing EXACTLY a situation I've gone through for the past few years with some (pretty much former) girlfriends of mine... up to and including the whole "not visiting enough" thing. They are also hard and unforgiving, despite my attempts to apologize... but I know they don't have Christ in their lives, so I imagine that's part of the problem. I wish I had some easy answers for you, because I'm the same... I want the problem FIXED, darn it!... but I don't have control over that, because I don't control them.
The best I can tell you is to keep praying for them, and to continue to ask God to show you places where you DID do something you can apologize or make amends for... but I know in my case, I've simply had to reconcile that my relationship with those two ladies will never be what it once was, for whatever reason, and God is in control. I just have to set my boundaries with them, and continue to be civil toward them, but I've stopped losing sleep at night, agonizing over the situation... Acceptance that you can't FIX it is hard, but it will come. I'm praying for you!
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We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. ~Cynthia Ozick
When eating bamboo sprouts, remember the man who planted them. ~Chinese Proverb
'Butt Kicking Women' is not responsible for lost or stolen egos.
Thinking again that I must be mean, or indifferent...or just plain mean. It sounds like you are trying awfully hard. Honestly, I wouldn't waste my time.
I'm all for making sure that YOU are right, and if you are right, then you ought to be able to sleep soundly over this matter. I don't know your situation, but having had fun family issues of my own, my own experience is that the one who frets over this stuff is usually not sitting with a clear conscience.
~Gina
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Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base. All men are afraid in battle. The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty. Duty is the essence of manhood.
George S. Patton
Thinking again that I must be mean, or indifferent...or just plain mean. It sounds like you are trying awfully hard. Honestly, I wouldn't waste my time.
I'm all for making sure that YOU are right, and if you are right, then you ought to be able to sleep soundly over this matter. I don't know your situation, but having had fun family issues of my own, my own experience is that the one who frets over this stuff is usually not sitting with a clear conscience.
~Gina
I see what you're saying and I do know I should just not waste anymore time. I just hate for there to be any ill between anyone and I usually try to do whatever I can (even above and beyond what most would consider normal) to make everything ok again. I don't like knowing that they are still angry with us, in spite of all we have done to try to make things right. I guess I just need to realize that I cannot fix everything, only God can. I have done what I could, and that's that.
__________________
"What's past is prologue." - William Shakespeare
I just wanted to add that I did not post this on here to complain or whine, and I am sorry if it comes across that way. I am honestly seeking advice in this matter as I want to know what my attitude should be after apologizing and exhausting every avenue possible to make ammends, only to be unforgiven by those we have offended. I want to have the right attitude, but it is hard. I want to respond to them correctly, but I don't know how to respond. Do I ignore, cut off temporarily, or act like nothing has happened? I am hurt by their lack of love and forgiveness towards us, even after we have admitted where we were wrong and took responsibility for things that offended. That was my main purpose in posting this thread.
__________________
"What's past is prologue." - William Shakespeare
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What do you do...
The speed of light is faster than the speed of sound, which is why often people look bright until they start talking.
They are also hard and unforgiving, despite my attempts to apologize... but I know they don't have Christ in their lives, so I imagine that's part of the problem. I wish I had some easy answers for you, because I'm the same... I want the problem FIXED, darn it!... but I don't have control over that, because I don't control them. 
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