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  1. #1
    Fundamental Thinker
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    4,230

    Default My 18 year old son wants to get married

    Need some advice.
    Our teenager wants to get married in 5 months to a wonderful girl, they will be 19 by then. Wedding is targeted for June right after College graduation. She's going to be an RN. They have both been attending College since their Jr Yr of High School. Everyone says to discourage it, but he is very mature. She isn't as mature but will be fine with him. Most other people tell them they are too young so maybe I am out in left field.

    They were in the same 3rd grade class, known each other ever since but never had classes together. She is from a good family. They saw one another a few months ago in the College Cafeteria and they've been dating ever since. Hard to explain but they just go together, it is so neat to see them together. It's well balanced.They have so much in common except physical fitness, she can eat junk food and doesn't exercise enough but that isn't important really. I figure that will change as she learns about nutrition, I don't want to make her self conscious. She's a little chunky but as long as she exercises and eats right, that's all that counts. She doesn't attend church, our son attends with us sometimes but makes no salvation proclamation. He has led prayer without being asked to.

    My wife and I were married at 18. I felt old at 18, we didn't party or act wild, that seemed far behind us. Our son wants a baby pretty badly, I think she feels similar. This is where it gets sticky. He makes $22 per hour working for us 3 days a week 6 hrs a day. She makes minimum wage (about $7.50 per hour)working two days a week. What would happen is her working and possibly leaving the baby with him for too long, that is my concern. Registered nurses are in demand and she's a sweetie no doubt she'd be hired in a year or so. MY only concern is she gets pregnant immediately, so she'll be done with nurses training and could get a part time nursing job. Then our son Eric takes care of the baby when Momma's at work for a whole 9 hours a day. Babies need their mommies more than Dads. She just can't leave baby home with him. We did that to some degree with him but my wife wasn't gone more than 4 1/2 hrs a few days a week. We switched off finishing college while working part-time but I started a business at 19 that kept us going for over 15 years. He would need continue College for years because he wants to be a physical therapist and that takes 6 years. They could pay rent on a small house and get by as we did. We were poor for years but didn't seem any poorer than other folks our own age who attended College and lived with Mom and Dad. We still live in a modest house on 1/2 acre

    We still do his laundry and pay for his cell phone (which we shouldn't do, he has plenty of money, I keep forgetting to make himpay) He has no chores. So I'm thinking maybe that would be a shock to get married, go on your own then have a wife huh? Maybe If I bought them a small house (We have about a hundred thousand now from our land sale)? would it be out of line to have them both sign a contract that says she won't go back to work for at least four years? They wouldn't have a house payment so that should help

    I think Nurses are required to work 9 hr days which even at part-time is way too long for baby or even a toddler to be away from Mom. By June, he will have only two years of College under his belt so hopefully he will change career choices. He thinks he is going to run my company, well I just started this business and it is going well but still.... He isn't a salesman like I can be and he doesn't even have a checking account. But he is good where I am very weak, like concentration and accounting.

    How he can run a business suddenly that easily is beyond me, he is smart yet I don't have much patience to train him. And I am not sure it is good to rely on me or a new business for that matter. My last business lasted 15 years then the economy took a dive...Then worked another job until starting this business. My wife Teaches part time, she sees nothing wrong with them getting married. We would love to have her as a daughter in law.
    We got married at 18 and finished college, traded off but didn't use any babysitters nor let him spend the night at others houses except a few exceptions. He likes his bed at home
    Anyway should we buy them a house? again I would want her to promise to stay home the first four years, or only work less than four hours, a few days a week. I am not sure that is fair of me?? or if I have the right to ask that of them in trade for a house. We could let them decide then butt out, but they asked. They keep leaning on our guidance. I get the feeling they want to comply with us like we are some kind of back up if things get financially tough but maybe that's my imagination. We adore them both and are so happy for them.
    I would be ecstatic if she got pregnant, even right now. I'll keep it to myself because that is wrong. I had a vasectomy so we can't have one of our own. We are both 38 yrs old We get urges for a baby so this would be perfect. I better get to bed, it's late. be back tomorrow sometime. Thanks for reading this

    Mike
    Last edited by Mike; 02-20-2010 at 12:10 AM.

  2. #2
    Like It, Love it, Gotta Have It
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    14,280

    Default

    .

    Praying!!

    God Bless ~



    .
    Last edited by JOAN OF ARC; 02-20-2010 at 01:22 AM.

  3. #3
    Warming Up
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Lookout Mountain, GA
    Posts
    32

    Default The thoughts of an outsider...

    Thanks for your honesty on this...

    Please take my opinion with a grain of salt...

    My best advice is to love your son regardless. If he chooses to make her his wife then so be it. If he truly wants your opinion on the choice then give it to him, but let him know that you will love and support him even if he chooses to do differently. The fact that she is not interested in church is worrisome, but maybe she will come around when she sees how daunting the task of being responsible for a life truly is...
    Are you a child of the King? Well then...Start living like it!


    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fuDDqU6n4o"]What we've got here...[/ame]

  4. #4
    Fundamental Thinker
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    4,623

    Default

    Mike, good to see you again.

    I will send you a PM.
    .






    My wife at Hephzibah House 15yrs old.
    Incarcerated in Lock Down facility for 29 months with no trial.
    .

    .....How many more must suffer before this is stopped.
    http://hephzibah-girls.blogspot.com/...3A00&updated-m
    The above post is the opinion of MailMan. It is right, should be yours, and will be.

  5. #5
    Forum Sage
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    South Louisiana, duh!
    Posts
    21,239

    Default

    My son teaches high school in the morning.
    He comes home and takes care of my grandson while his wife works her job for 4 hours.
    Then, some evenings he goes and works a second job delivering pizza.

    He is a wonderful father, and I bet your son could handle it just fine too. Plenty of dads rear kids, sometimes alone.

    I think (and this is just my opinion) that they need to make it on their own.
    Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense, and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

  6. #6
    Like It, Love it, Gotta Have It
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    6,207

    Default

    I was engaged at 15 and married at 17 and had our first son at 19.
    We have been married for almost 27 years, have 4 sons, 2 DILs, and 3 grandbabies.

    It has worked out well for us!


    .
    Last edited by dmcoe; 02-20-2010 at 08:35 AM. Reason: spelling

  7. #7
    Fundamental Thinker
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    2,568

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mike View Post
    Need some advice.
    Our teenager wants to get married in 5 months to a wonderful girl, they will be 19 by then. Wedding is targeted for June right after College graduation. She's going to be an RN. They have both been attending College since their Jr Yr of High School. Everyone says to discourage it, but he is very mature. She isn't as mature but will be fine with him. Most other people tell them they are too young so maybe I am out in left field.

    They were in the same 3rd grade class, known each other ever since but never had classes together. She is from a good family. They saw one another a few months ago in the College Cafeteria and they've been dating ever since. Hard to explain but they just go together, it is so neat to see them together. It's well balanced.They have so much in common except physical fitness, she can eat junk food and doesn't exercise enough but that isn't important really. I figure that will change as she learns about nutrition, I don't want to make her self conscious. She's a little chunky but as long as she exercises and eats right, that's all that counts. She doesn't attend church, our son attends with us sometimes but makes no salvation proclamation. He has led prayer without being asked to.

    My wife and I were married at 18. I felt old at 18, we didn't party or act wild, that seemed far behind us. Our son wants a baby pretty badly, I think she feels similar. This is where it gets sticky. He makes $22 per hour working for us 3 days a week 6 hrs a day. She makes minimum wage (about $7.50 per hour)working two days a week. What would happen is her working and possibly leaving the baby with him for too long, that is my concern. Registered nurses are in demand and she's a sweetie no doubt she'd be hired in a year or so. MY only concern is she gets pregnant immediately, so she'll be done with nurses training and could get a part time nursing job. Then our son Eric takes care of the baby when Momma's at work for a whole 9 hours a day. Babies need their mommies more than Dads. She just can't leave baby home with him. We did that to some degree with him but my wife wasn't gone more than 4 1/2 hrs a few days a week. We switched off finishing college while working part-time but I started a business at 19 that kept us going for over 15 years. He would need continue College for years because he wants to be a physical therapist and that takes 6 years. They could pay rent on a small house and get by as we did. We were poor for years but didn't seem any poorer than other folks our own age who attended College and lived with Mom and Dad. We still live in a modest house on 1/2 acre

    We still do his laundry and pay for his cell phone (which we shouldn't do, he has plenty of money, I keep forgetting to make himpay) He has no chores. So I'm thinking maybe that would be a shock to get married, go on your own then have a wife huh? Maybe If I bought them a small house (We have about a hundred thousand now from our land sale)? would it be out of line to have them both sign a contract that says she won't go back to work for at least four years? They wouldn't have a house payment so that should help

    I think Nurses are required to work 9 hr days which even at part-time is way too long for baby or even a toddler to be away from Mom. By June, he will have only two years of College under his belt so hopefully he will change career choices. He thinks he is going to run my company, well I just started this business and it is going well but still.... He isn't a salesman like I can be and he doesn't even have a checking account. But he is good where I am very weak, like concentration and accounting.

    How he can run a business suddenly that easily is beyond me, he is smart yet I don't have much patience to train him. And I am not sure it is good to rely on me or a new business for that matter. My last business lasted 15 years then the economy took a dive...Then worked another job until starting this business. My wife Teaches part time, she sees nothing wrong with them getting married. We would love to have her as a daughter in law.
    We got married at 18 and finished college, traded off but didn't use any babysitters nor let him spend the night at others houses except a few exceptions. He likes his bed at home
    Anyway should we buy them a house? again I would want her to promise to stay home the first four years, or only work less than four hours, a few days a week. I am not sure that is fair of me?? or if I have the right to ask that of them in trade for a house. We could let them decide then butt out, but they asked. They keep leaning on our guidance. I get the feeling they want to comply with us like we are some kind of back up if things get financially tough but maybe that's my imagination. We adore them both and are so happy for them.
    I would be ecstatic if she got pregnant, even right now. I'll keep it to myself because that is wrong. I had a vasectomy so we can't have one of our own. We are both 38 yrs old We get urges for a baby so this would be perfect. I better get to bed, it's late. be back tomorrow sometime. Thanks for reading this

    Mike


    You need to wean him of YOUR finances now. You need to focus on their spiritual condition.

    Seems to me you ought to be HEART-BROKEN if she were to get pregnant out-of-wedlock. You have always been a puzzling poster to me.
    The views expressed in this post are my opinion. However, my opinion is worthy of adoption by the masses.

  8. #8
    Master of Fundamentalism
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Maine
    Posts
    964

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mike View Post
    Anyway should we buy them a house? again I would want her to promise to stay home the first four years, or only work less than four hours, a few days a week. I am not sure that is fair of me?? or if I have the right to ask that of them in trade for a house. We could let them decide then butt out, but they asked. They keep leaning on our guidance. I get the feeling they want to comply with us like we are some kind of back up if things get financially tough but maybe that's my imagination. We adore them both and are so happy for them.
    Wow...exciting and scary all at the same time, huh?

    I'll share my personal opinions about a few things. I'll say right up front that I have no married children. My oldest is 14. I understand that saying how you would deal with a situation--and actually facing that situation--are two totally different things. And I would not be so arrogant as to think that my way of seeing things is the only or best way. Often, there's no clear-cut right or wrong answers to these questions. All I can do is say how I think I would deal with something if it happened to me.

    I think today's average 18 year old is not mature enough to get married. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. They will ultimately decide to get married if that is what they want to do...ready or not. If, as a parent, I felt my son or daughter was making a mistake (marrying too young or marrying the wrong person), I would lovingly ask them to reconsider their decision. Then, I would respect whatever decision they made. If my suspicions were right, and their marriage ended up being a disaster, I'd want my relationship with him/her to remain intact so that I could be supportive of them through any rough times.

    Many marriage counselors will tell you that one of the leading causes of marital discord is problems with the in-laws. I would be careful about meddling in the lives of my children once they get married. I would have no more right to dictate how they live their lives than they do mine. As adults, how they choose to conduct their affairs is totally up to them (I realize that the degree of "acceptable" in-law involvement varies from family to family...or culture to culture). If asked for advice, I would give it cautiously--the last thing I'd want would be to get caught in the middle of their marital squabbles or create the impression I was taking sides. One of the few situations where I would stick my nose in their business is if I had knowledge of outright physical or mental abuse.

    As for buying them a house, that would certainly be an awesome gift. However, I think such a gift should have no strings attached...others would disagree. First, it is impossible to predict every possible scenario they might face. I think it would be unfair to pressure them into making a promise that might unexpectedly become an undue burden to them. Second, if I didn't trust them enough to receive the gift unconditionally, I think I would probably wait until I felt they were mature enough to properly handle such a gift.

    Again, if you choose a path different than I would, I don't think that means you're a bad parent...there's more than one good way to handle your situation. The truth is, I can tell from your post that you love your son very much and want the best for him. I hope it all turns out well!

    Last edited by HESDALITE; 02-20-2010 at 07:50 AM.
    It's easier to change the truth to fit your life than it is to change your life to fit the truth.

  9. #9
    Like It, Love it, Gotta Have It
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Indiana
    Posts
    10,918

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by dmcoe View Post
    I was engaged at 15 and married at 17 and had our first son at 19.
    We have been married for almost 27 years, have 4 sons, 2 DILs, and 3 gandbabies.

    It has worked out well for us!


    .
    Do they ever poop on the golf course?
    If a numbskull comes to the seminary and goes away a numbskull, do not blame the seminary.A. T. Robertson

  10. #10
    Fundamental Thinker
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Western North Carolina
    Posts
    2,177

    Default

    If they actually do get married let them live, and even ruin, their lives. If you're worried about your son being a man then cut the apron strings and let him be a man. If you're worried about him raising a baby alone he isn't ready to have one at all.

    He that changes pride for worldliness, sensuality for Pharisaism, vanity in himself to the contempt of others, let him not think that he hath mortified the sin
    that he seems to have left. He hath changed his master, but is a servant still. ~ John Owen

 

 
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