>
> A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking
> guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and
> asks him what he is drinking.
>
> "Magic Beer," he says.
>
> She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the
> bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth
> talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and
> says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
>
> "Yes, I'll show you."
>
> He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies
> around the building three times and comes back in the
window.
>
> The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that
again."
>
> He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window,
> flies around the building three times, and comes back
> in the window.
>
> She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer,
> so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what
> I'm having."
>
> She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out
> the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in
> her body, and dies.
>
> The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know,
> Superman, you're a real "jerk" when you're drunk
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
him."
What part of GOOD clean jokes don't you understand?
__________________
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
It takes light 0.000000006523846574 seconds to go from my head to my toes, and I weight the same as 1600 sticks of butter.
After a nice vacation in Florida, a blond boards her flight back home. She finds her seat and since she is still a little tired from her vacation, she asks the stewardess for a pillow so she can sleep. The stewardess courteously complies and just as she is about to drift off to sleep a man in a business suit sits in the seat next to her and starts to talk.
Not wanting to be rude, the blond nods and smiles, pretending to listen, but really just wants to sleep.
Then, just when she thinks any chance of getting some sleep is gone, the man challenges her to a game.
"If you ask me a question that I can't answer, I'll give you $5 and if I ask you a question you can't answer, you give me $5."
She explains to him that she is really tired and that all she wants to do is get a little rest.
"Come on!" he says, "I'll make it $500 if you ask me a question I can't answer. I'll even let you go first."
"Ok," she replies, "What has 15 legs going up hill and 37 coming down?"
"Wow!" exclaimed the business man, "There's one I haven't heard. But give me a chance."
He immediately goes to work. He uses the in flight phone to call a bunch of his friends. He uses a program on his laptop to help him in his search. All to no avail. Finally, with a sigh he wakes up the sleeping blond and tells her:
"Ok, I give up."
He then hands her five crisp $100 bills. The blond thanks him and puts her head back on her pillow and closes her eyes.
"Wait! Wait!" cries the frustrated man, "you can't leave me hanging! What has 15 legs going up hill and 37 coming back down?"
The blond hands him a $5 from her purse and goes back to sleep.
Did you hear the one about the 2 preachers Schaap and Fugate?
Ohhh wait, nobody cares.
I've been trying to wade through the articles that they have written, but it's kind of goofy how they are going about this. If they have an issue against each other, why are are they mailing stuff to me to tell me about it. How about they mail it to each other.
I've been trying to wade through the articles that they have written, but it's kind of goofy how they are going about this. If they have an issue against each other, why are are they mailing stuff to me to tell me about it. How about they mail it to each other.
All joking aside, do yourself a favor and pay no attention to these clowns.
__________________
Momma always said "life is like a box of chocolates,
you never know what you are going to get".
Janie had just become a widow and needed to put an obituary in the paper
about her late husband, Bubba. She called the newspaper and asked, "How
much does it cost to put an obituary in the paper?"
"The cost is $0.50 per word," said the newspaper editor. Janie said, "Fine, please print: 'Bubba died'."
The startled newspaper editor explained that there was a seven word
minimum charge. Janie thought for a moment, then said, "Okay, then, please
print: Bubba died. 1983 pickup truck for sale."
On a rural road, a state trooper pulled this old farmer over and asked,
"Sir, do you realize that your wife fell out of the car several miles
back?" To which the farmer replied, "Thank God! I thought I had gone deaf."
-------------------
Bear on the Roof
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and calls Animal Control.
He calls the number, and they say they will be there in 30
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this
ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up there and knock the
bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the
pit bull is trained to grab his crotch and not let go. The bear will
then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of
the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?"
asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, then shoot
the dog."
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