Thread: You Might Be A Calvinist If...

You Might Be A Calvinist


Atlanta, Georgia -- Note: TBNN is pleased to have Jeff Foxworthy as Saturday Morning's guest writer.

Jeff: I'm happy to fill in to today for Brother Slawson.

You know, between Lakewood and Lynchburg, there's over 30 million people who I'd call "my people." Many of these folks are Calvinists, they just don't know it. I've designed for today a few little test questions to help you determine if there is a large likelihood that you are a Calvinist. So, if sitting in a tub full of scissors sounds more appealing to you than listening to a Sunday School class share their personal gut feelings about a Bible verse, you are a good candidate.

If you have a Martin Luther Jell-O mold, you just might be a Calvinist.

If your child’s first word was “Westminster”, you just might be a Calvinist.

Or, if you send your mother tulips on Mother’s Day,

… you might be a Calvinist.

If you still remember the 8 speakers in order from the recent T4G conference, or

If a free Bible has ever arrived in the mail to you from John McArthur, or

If you have ever purchased 100 or more copies of the same John Piper book to hand out to random people you meet,

…you just might be a Calvinist.

If you purchased an MP3 player with the sole purpose of downloading sermons, or

If you were shocked to just discover that some people download MP3 files that are not sermons, or

If you have adjusted the default passage setting at www.biblegateway.org from “NIV” to “ESV”

… you might be a Calvinist.

If your preacher says to turn to Obadiah and you do not use the index, or

If you think a 50-minute sermon is too short, or

If you’ve ever heard a wave of groans sweep through Sunday School when you refer to Romans 9,

…you just might be a Calvinist.

If you find yourself talking to the Lord Jesus more than to your family, and

If you find yourself wanting to read your Bible instead of watching television, and

If quotes from Pink, Spurgeon, Luther, Piper, and McArthur pop into your head at random times during the day

…you might be a Calvinist.

If you are confused when someone uses the term “my Bible” as if they only have one, and

If your Bibles must be replaced in less than a year due to pages separating from the spine, and

If you smile, nod and hold your tongue with your teeth after a lively church service when someone says, “God showed up today”

…you might be a Calvinist.

If you’ve ever shouted “YES!” when the pastor says to turn to 1st Thessalonians, and

If you see 6:37 on a digital clock and think of the Lord Jesus’ words in John, and

If you’ve muted a Thanksgiving football game because it’s interfering with your family discussion of Ephesians 1

…you might be a Calvinist.

If you have bookmarked three or more preachers’ scripture index webpages, and

If you’ve ever been banned from a Sunday School class for quoting scripture, and

If you have ever purposefully sung a different word in a hymn to conform to scripture,

… you might be a Calvinist.

If your kids own more Bibles than televisions, and

If your children never ask you “Where are we going?” on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night, and

If you’ve ever read parts of “The Bondage of the Will” to children under ten and prayed that it would change their lives

…you just might be a Calvinist.

If your child received detention at his Christian school after shouting, “But I am a Hedonist Pyromaniac!” or

If your children argue and you require them to listen to a Piper Sermon as punishment, or

If you visit pyromaniacs, tominthebox, spurgeon.org, desiringgod.org, and gty.org, more than once a day, yes…

You just might…. I say you just might…. Yes… you just might be a Calvinist

************************

And if you look at 3:16 on a digital clock and feel the same sense of gratitude, you might be a Calvinist no longer in the cage stage!

If you are in the doctor's waiting room and your friend says, "Hey, why don't we read your Checkbook?"

If you ever have found yourself thinking "My pastor's sermon was particularly Spurgeonesque this morning"

If eating pork reminds you of Acts 10 and then leads to contemplating the glories of the New Covenant in Christ

If you read your books' Table of Contents for edification and conviction

If you purposefully read a book to be convicted

If you wonder how many people will scratch their heads when you go out witnessing and tell them you are from the "REFORMED Baptist Church"

If you are trying to reserve the term "awesome" for God and His deeds alone, and you have accountability partners to help you with it

If the psalter selection "How Shall the Young Direct Thy Way" is precious to you

If you find yourself whistling "Wondrous King All Glorious" as you walk down the street

If you feel the urge to start whistling "A Mighty Fortress" as you walk past the local Catholic high-school

If you comment on a blog knowing that somehow that your pastor will run across it

If you are scratching your head wondering which one of the men you call "my pastor" will read it

...you might be a Calvinist.
If your library is worth more than your car - and none of your books are sold at LifeWay - you might be a Calvinist.

If you actually see all the members of your church every week, you might be a Calvinist.

If you've ever taught a Sunday School class on 'who really killed Jesus' you might be a Calvinist.

For romantic occasions, you prefer to give tulips instead of roses.

You hear some people talking about the new Johnny C. movie, and you instantly think of John Calvin, instead of Johnny Cash.

You leave your Conservative Reformed Baptist Congregation to start a house church after hearing the pastor use the word "choose" in a sermon.

You have a picture of Arminius on your dart board.

You know what a Remonstrant is.

When people tell you they are "Four Pointers," you already know they are stuck on the "L" point.

Your yearly personal Bible-verse memory program consists of Romans 9, again.

Someone tells you they go to Free Will Baptist Church, and you think they are going straight to Hell.

You attach an extra "Lord Willing" onto your original "Lord Willing" just in case.

The word "Puritan" appears as a regular character trait in your E-Harmony profile.

You go to Dordt for vacation.

You hear a news story about some criminals being "reformed" and your first thought is to wonder how many criminals are Arminians.

All your kids can recite The Shorter Catechism(with Scripture proofs).

You go to a conference and the speakers are RC Sproul, John Piper, John MacArthur, et al.

You find Why I Am Not a Calvinist by Jerry L. Walls and Joseph R. Dongell under your child's bed and are more upset than if you found an issue of High Times.

You think they went too easy on Servetus.

Without me giving last names, you still know who I'm referring to:

John
John
John
John
John
Jonathan
John
John
John

Every book you read is endorsed by J. I. Packer

You buy books before groceries.

You know that Calvin's 500th birthday is on July 10, 2009 but can't remember your wife's birthday.

Your favorite vacation spot is in Dort.

LOL...a friend sent me those a while back. And, doesn't EVERYONE have one of those jello molds??

If you are not very smart, but like to be told what to think, you may be a calvinist...

If you believe salvation is all of God and none of man, you might be a Calvinist.

If you know what RPW EP means you might be a Calvinist.

If you've ever greeted someone with "What is the chief and highest end of man?" and expected "To glorify God and fully to enjoy him forever" as the answer, you might be a Calvinist.

If you think Turretin's Institutes of Elenctic Theology or Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion read better with a cold beer and a nice cigar you might be a Calvinist.

Originally Posted by JohnGill

If you think Turretin's Institutes of Elenctic Theology or Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion read better with a cold beer and a nice cigar you might be a Calvinist.

Originally Posted by Sindy

Where do you get pics like those?

Originally Posted by Carico

Sorry but personal attacks do not change the bible nor do they prove that Calvinists are wrong. So they're just sour grapes and jealousy. If you really had a case, your post would be filled with scripture, not personal attacks. But since non-Calivinists don't have a case, then these are the only types of posts they can come up with.

Um, I think you're suffering from ocular dissonance. I am a Calvinist. That's why they're funny. And so many are true.